This is an overdue post. And it is going to be a long one.
26/04/2013, Friday - you decided to make your grand entrance into the world. It all started the night before. There was a bit of bleeding and I felt tummy cramps and couldn't sleep. I dismissed the thought that I might go into labour because during check up with Dr N on Monday he said that you will not be born this week. However, there was "the show" on Friday morning so we decided to go see him at about 1pm after dropping Josiah at grandma's place. Imagine our surprise when Dr N told us that I was already 4cm dilated! So I was admitted into the labour room. The cardiotocograph aka CTG machine further revealed that I was already experiencing contractions though they were 10 minutes apart. Funnily, I didn't feel the contraction pain at all. I proudly announced to Daddy that I will not be needing any epidural this time. The last time I had epidural for Josiah and my labour lasted 17 hours! The epidural was really uncomfortable and I didn't think it really helped with easing the pain. Anyway, I have also been discussing with Daddy that I wanted to go sans epidural this time. After all, there are women who choose the natural route and abstain from any kind of painkiller.
Lo and behold, at about 2pm the contractions got stronger and quicker. Dr N decided to artificially break my water bag and it was not only uncomfortable but also painful. I started screaming. Dr N and Daddy suggested that I take the epidural as they didn't think I could handle the contractions which will get stronger when I approach delivery. I did not put up a fight. The contractions were really painful. I would rate it 8/10. I was already 6cm dilated. The midwife called for the anaesthesiologist to administer the epidural. Now, the epidural carries certain risks and poses some danger as the drug is injected into the spinal cord to numb the nerves from the back downwards. It must be very precise and the patient has to be very still. There is no room for error as any slip can result in paralysis. That is why I was made to sign a consent form prior to the epidural. Can you imagine how I have to endure the contraction pain and be still at the same time. But as I said, there is really no room for error. So I tried to be as still as possible. At that point of time, I was already digging into Daddy's flesh.
After the epidural and my requests to increase the dosage, the pain became somewhat bearable. At about 3pm the midwife checked my cervix and noted that I am fully dilated. She then called Dr N. Dr N arrived promptly and within a few minutes and after several pushes, you arrived at 3.16pm. We were overjoyed. Later I found out that it was a spontaneous vaginal delivery (SVD). Previously with Josiah, I had an assisted birth via vacuum. Daddy was there to witness your birth. He cut your umbilical cord. You weighed 3.1kg. Just the right size I'd say, not too big nor too small. Josiah was 2.98kg. You were so beautiful and perfect! I gave you a kiss on your cheek. The midwife then took you away to get cleaned. After about an hour later, you were brought to me to be breastfed. Your very first feed and you suckled so well! Po Po was there to see you too.
So the whole labour took about only 2 hours. I thank God for the quick and safe delivery.
Dr H then visited at about 6pm to report that you were doing fine after doing the necessary tests and routine examinations. Josiah also came to visit you but could only observe through the glass window. Everything seemed to be alright and your birth announcements were sent via sms, whatsapp and also on facebook. Daddy and Josiah were preparing to leave at about almost midnight when the nurse suddenly told Daddy that the paed on call wanted to speak to him. I felt a bit suspicious too as I was wondering why the nurses didn't bring you to me to be breastfed after the initial one at about 4pm. When Daddy returned, he told me that you turned bluish and you were breathless due to low oxygen levels. There was also mention of doing a heart examination as there is a heart murmur. In the meantime they gave you oxygen and continued monitoring your condition. Breastfeeding was out of the question as it would make you even more tired. Imagine how worried I was. This was a shock to me as Dr H had just reported that you were fine a few hours ago. I could not sleep the entire night. I also tried hand expressing colostrum/milk and then use a small syringe to suck it up so that they could give it to you through a tube. The amount that I got was so little even after an hour.
The next morning I waited for Dr H to make her rounds so that I could enquire on your condition. When she finally did her rounds, she told me that it is most likely an infection and they need to do blood tests and if need be, antibiotics to be given to you intravenously. To make matters worse, she is going on leave for a few days and another paed, Dr D will take over from her. I was puzzled as to how you could have gotten infected. Later in the day, Dr D told us that you were responding well to the antibiotics (the antibiotics is Rocephin by the way). We were reluctant to subject a newborn to antibiotics but I suppose we did not have a choice then. He also told me, to my dismay, that it is a 5 day course antibiotics and because it is given through IV, you will have to stay in the hospital until you finish the course.
There was no point for me to extend my stay, since I could not breastfeed you. I checked out of the hospital on 28/4/2014 but you had to stay until at least 1/5/2013. The IV on your hand and tube in your throat pained my heart so much. I visited you everyday for you to suckle on my breast as I had to express milk at home to keep the supply coming. Thank God your condition had also improved. You had jaundice too, so you were also given photolight treatment during your stay.
Meanwhile at home, I tried to express milk as often as possible. But it was the beginning of a very painful and sad process. No matter how hard I tried, even after 1 whole hour, I only got droplets of milk. Not even 1ml. My nipples were sore. I was so disappointed. I drank lots of fluid, black dates and ginger tea, nursing tea and various supplements but to no avail. This continued on for several days, even after you were discharged. I was on the brink of depression. I have always been a strong advocate of breastfeeding as I believe that it is the best superfood for my child and it is also the ultimate love and sacrifice a mother makes for her child when she chooses this less traveled road. It is truly a labour of love.
But one's desire, no matter how pure often clashes with reality. Sometimes I wonder if it is a test that one must pass to ensure that we do not take things for granted and to make sure that we realise how much and how badly we want something to make it happen, so that when it happens, we can feel a sense of achievement and appreciation.
After many many days of persevering through sheer hardwork (round the clock feeding and pumping), pain (nipple, breast, neck, shoulder, back pains), sweat, tears and sleep deprivation, I am proud to announce that today, Day 15, I managed to pump 4oz of milk. It is a far cry from what I went through the first few days.
You, my dear 'Sophie girl' as I call you, eat, sleep and poop a lot all day, and scream your lungs out whenever you want milk, are blooming beautifully. It is pure joy to just stare at your beautiful and delicate face and smell you everyday. Your smell is the best smell in the world. No perfume can beat your smell.
You and Josiah are my world, my pride and my joy. Honestly, having the both of you is enough. I do not foresee having a third. Both of you will always have my love, and know that I have your best interests. I love you both so much!
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