Friday 31 May 2013

Sophie's full moon

How time flies! Sophie's full moon was celebrated by distribution of Eaton's nasi kunyit (yums!) and a luncheon at Starview attended by family and daddy's close friends. We had 4 tables and roast suckling pig, though I abstained because I don't eat pork. I wasn't really keen on having the luncheon but Daddy wanted to have it because we celebrated Josiah's full moon at Jade Palace the last time (but no roast suckling pig then).
Sophie is now fully on breast milk. I pump 90% of the time and DL only during night time. This is because she often falls asleep after only sucking for a few minutes and then she gets hungry every hour. This in turn makes her very fussy...and leaves me frustrated. Did I mention that breastfeeding is one of the hardest, most demanding job and requires utmost discipline - more on this later, I will need to write a separate post on breastfeeding alone.
The other advantage of feeding expressed breast milk from the bottle is that I can see how much milk she drinks as I am concerned that she is not getting enough milk and not gaining enough weight if she DL exclusively. At the moment it is difficult for her to even finish 3oz of milk at every 3 hourly feedings. I hope and pray that her appetite improves and weight increases. Mommy is working very hard to maintain a good supply of breast milk for you Sophie by pumping every 3 hours. The fridge is now full of Mommy's milk. There are about 30+ bottles of breast milk for you. I tried to give some to koko Josiah, but he doesn't like it. He said its 'yucky' and 'stinky'. Mommy is so sad that you rejected Mommy's milk because it is the best food that you can ever have. Well, at least you had some when you were a baby. 
I am also concerned that Josiah is not gaining enough weight because at almost 3 years old, he still only eats porridge and refuses rice and spits out every other food. Children from 1 year old onwards should be joining in family meals and eating a variety of foods. Being taken care of by my aunty and great grandmother is also not helping because they only feed him porridge. It is too much work for great grandmother to prepare rice and dishes for him. Also they need to be consistent in training him to eat rice. This is stressing me out! Actually I have thought of sending him full day at Twinkle Tots so that he can eat normal meals once he sees other children eating too. But it would be harsh to stop now considering the financial constraints they are having. For now I can only hope and pray that koko Josiah will be a good boy and eat normal food.


Saturday 18 May 2013

Love vs Like

I recently bought a book on disciplining children between the ages 2 and 12 called "1-2-3 Magic" because I am finding it a challenge to raise my son who is going through the "terrible twos". Actually it started way before he hit 2. Anyway, I have read only 1/3 of the book but I found some very useful information and insights into how to discipline children with real life examples which I can identify with. I do not think Josiah is very different from other children his age. Sure, mealtimes are always a battle and he does the opposite of what he is told but aren't all boys like that?
One of the things discussed in the book which got me thinking is do we love and like our children? Of course we love our children. A mother and child's bond is one of the most intimate and begins from the time the child is conceived in the mother's womb. But do we necessarily like our children? Do we always enjoy their company? Does the screaming, yelling and crying get to us sometimes? Do we look forward to a break from them for a couple of days? I know I need a break. In fact I wish I could just take flight and journey to a faraway land and leave all my cares and worries behind. I feel as though I am onboard the Titanic and all the weight is pulling me downwards and I fear that I am sinking deeper and deeper until I take my final breath.    

Monday 13 May 2013

Mother's Day 2013

Yesterday (12/05/2013) was Mother's Day. It is a day that I want to always remember and that is why I want to write it down lest I forget. I don't usually blog about negative, depressing or things that upset me. But this is an exception. Notice the word "Happy" is dropped from the title.
To start off, there was no celebration because I am still under confinement. Neither were there any surprises, flowers or even a card. But that's Okay because I have learnt not to expect anything. When you expect things and don't get them you, the only person who gets disappointed and crushed is yourself. So yes, I have realised that a long time ago.
I am told that when one is under confinement, one must not cry. Every tear drop is likened to a drop of blood. It is said that if you cry during confinement, you will become blind (Version 1) or you will have poor eyesight in the future (Version 2). Either one is bad news. But cried I did. A whole  bucket load of tears. I cried for 3 hours. I cried and cried and cried until I might as well have used up my entire life's quota of tears until I had no more. But I was wrong I later found out because I cried again today.
The million dollar question is why I cried so much. I attribute it to a number of things but mainly its a build up of pent up emotions of sorts. I know that a tiny new baby brings so much joy. But it also comes with it a slew of not so joyful moments ie. exhaustion from round the clock attention that the baby demands: breast feeding, pumping, changing of diapers when baby poos - up to 10 times of poo a day, washing bottles, preparing milk, rocking baby to sleep when she is cranky and the list goes on. Only a mother who fully breastfeeds will understand. All this has made me sleep deprived. How I long for a straight 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep to rest my tired soul and body. I suppose I could take the easy way out and leave everything to the confinement lady and let her feed formula milk but I refuse to do this to my child. No matter how difficult it is I am bent on breastfeeding my children  because it is the best for them. And my hard work has paid off because I have enough breastmilk to sustain Sophie.
Because of the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, I have become depressed (using this term loosely). What I really need is for hubby to empathise with me and show some appreciation. A simple "I may not understand completely what you are going through but I know it hasn't been easy. I want you to know I appreciate all that you are doing and Thank You for doing what you do!!" would have made me feel appreciated. Instead he does not spend time with me or Sophie choosing instead to watch TV and checking whatsapp all the time because he is part of various chat groups. He also promised to take care of Josiah but it has not relieved me of my duties, worries and stress. I have to wake them up in the mornings. He doesn't even clean him. School starts at 8.30am but they don't leave the house till 9am. Bedtime is 10pm but J ends up sleeping almost 11pm. This is irresponsible and really annoys me. If I had a crystal ball to foresee this I would not agree to have a second child. Again reminder to self - DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. It is pointless to have many children when your one and only husband is not supportive of you emotionally and physically. I say emotional and physical because hubby is not stingy financially. In fact he is quite generous and has never refused to give me money for the household and for our children. The downside to this is that he thinks money is the solution to most problems. A typical example is get a maid to do household chores which he thinks is beneath him. Few years back when we were living in the apartment, I asked him to help out with the household chores. We had a big fight. He suggested to get a maid. It was only the two of us back then mind you. He is the epitome of chauvinism. In fact child raising is entirely the responsibility of the mother. Now where would the both of you be if your father was not part of the equation?
I blame no one. It is the path that I have chosen and therefore I have to face the consequences and live with it. Perhaps I have been betrayed by my own youth and naievity. Yes it must be so. Barely 29 and I already have 2 children, many of my friends are still discovering themselves and all that the world has to offer. But I love my 2 children; whom I am so proud of and for which I thank God everyday.

Friday 10 May 2013

WELCOME TO THE WORLD SOPHIE GIRL!!!

This is an overdue post. And it is going to be a long one.
26/04/2013, Friday - you decided to make your grand entrance into the world. It all started the night before. There was a bit of bleeding and I felt tummy cramps and couldn't sleep. I dismissed the thought that I might go into labour because during check up with Dr N on Monday he said that you will not be born this week. However, there was "the show" on Friday morning so we decided to go see him at about 1pm after dropping Josiah at grandma's place. Imagine our surprise when Dr N told us that I was already 4cm dilated! So I was admitted into the labour room. The cardiotocograph aka CTG machine further revealed that I was already experiencing contractions though they were 10 minutes apart. Funnily, I didn't feel the contraction pain at all. I proudly announced to Daddy that I will not be needing any epidural this time. The last time I had epidural for Josiah and my labour lasted 17 hours! The epidural was really uncomfortable and I didn't think it really helped with easing the pain. Anyway, I have also been discussing with Daddy that I wanted to go sans epidural this time. After all, there are women who choose the natural route and abstain from any kind of painkiller.
Lo and behold, at about 2pm the contractions got stronger and quicker. Dr N decided to artificially break my water bag and it was not only uncomfortable but also painful. I started screaming. Dr N and Daddy suggested that I take the epidural as they didn't think I could handle the contractions which will get stronger when I approach delivery. I did not put up a fight. The contractions were really painful. I would rate it 8/10. I was already 6cm dilated. The midwife called for the anaesthesiologist to administer the epidural. Now, the epidural carries certain risks and poses some danger as the drug is injected into the spinal cord to numb the nerves from the back downwards. It must be very precise and the patient has to be very still. There is no room for error as any slip can result in paralysis. That is why I was made to sign a consent form prior to the epidural. Can you imagine how I have to endure the contraction pain and be still at the same time. But as I said, there is really no room for error. So I tried to be as still as possible. At that point of time, I was already digging into Daddy's flesh.
After the epidural and my requests to increase the dosage, the pain became somewhat bearable. At about 3pm the midwife checked my cervix and noted that I am fully dilated. She then called Dr N. Dr N arrived promptly and within a few minutes and after several pushes, you arrived at 3.16pm. We were overjoyed. Later I found out that it was a spontaneous vaginal delivery (SVD). Previously with Josiah, I had an assisted birth via vacuum. Daddy was there to witness your birth. He cut your umbilical cord. You weighed 3.1kg. Just the right size I'd say, not too big nor too small. Josiah was 2.98kg. You were so beautiful and perfect! I gave you a kiss on your cheek. The midwife then took you away to get cleaned. After about an hour later, you were brought to me to be breastfed. Your very first feed and you suckled so well! Po Po was there to see you too.
So the whole labour took about only 2 hours. I thank God for the quick and safe delivery.
Dr H then visited at about 6pm to report that you were doing fine after doing the necessary tests and routine examinations. Josiah also came to visit you but could only observe through the glass window. Everything seemed to be alright and your birth announcements were sent via sms, whatsapp and also on facebook. Daddy and Josiah were preparing to leave at about almost midnight when the nurse suddenly told Daddy that the paed on call wanted to speak to him. I felt a bit suspicious too as I was wondering why the nurses didn't bring you to me to be breastfed after the initial one at about 4pm. When Daddy returned, he told me that you turned bluish and you were breathless due to low oxygen levels. There was also mention of doing a heart examination as there is a heart murmur. In the meantime they gave you oxygen and continued monitoring your condition. Breastfeeding was out of the question as it would make you even more tired. Imagine how worried I was. This was a shock to me as Dr H had just reported that you were fine a few hours ago. I could not sleep the entire night. I also tried hand expressing colostrum/milk and then use a small syringe to suck it up so that they could give it to you through a tube. The amount that I got was so little even after an hour.
The next morning I waited for Dr H to make her rounds so that I could enquire on your condition. When she finally did her rounds, she told me that it is most likely an infection and they need to do blood tests and if need be, antibiotics to be given to you intravenously. To make matters worse, she is going on leave for a few days and another paed, Dr D will take over from her. I was puzzled as to how you could have gotten infected. Later in the day, Dr D told us that you were responding well to the antibiotics (the antibiotics is Rocephin by the way). We were reluctant to subject a newborn to antibiotics but I suppose we did not have a choice then. He also told me, to my dismay, that it is a 5 day course antibiotics and because it is given through IV, you will have to stay in the hospital until you finish the course.
There was no point for me to extend my stay, since I could not breastfeed you. I checked out of the hospital on 28/4/2014 but you had to stay until at least 1/5/2013. The IV on your hand and tube in your throat pained my heart so much. I visited you everyday for you to suckle on my breast as I had to express milk at home to keep the supply coming. Thank God your condition had also improved. You had jaundice too, so you were also given photolight treatment during your stay.
Meanwhile at home, I tried to express milk as often as possible. But it was the beginning of a very painful and sad process. No matter how hard I tried, even after 1 whole hour, I only got droplets of milk. Not even 1ml. My nipples were sore. I was so disappointed. I drank lots of fluid, black dates and ginger tea, nursing tea and various supplements but to no avail. This continued on for several days, even after you were discharged. I was on the brink of depression. I have always been a strong advocate of breastfeeding as I believe that it is the best superfood for my child and it is also the ultimate love and sacrifice a mother makes for her child when she chooses this less traveled road. It is truly a labour of love.
But one's desire, no matter how pure often clashes with reality. Sometimes I wonder if it is a test that one must pass to ensure that we do not take things for granted and to make sure that we realise how much and how badly we want something to make it happen, so that when it happens, we can feel a sense of achievement and appreciation.
After many many days of persevering through sheer hardwork (round the clock feeding and pumping), pain (nipple, breast, neck, shoulder, back pains), sweat, tears and sleep deprivation, I am proud to announce that today, Day 15, I managed to pump 4oz of milk. It is a far cry from what I went through the first few days.  
You, my dear 'Sophie girl' as I call you, eat, sleep and poop a lot all day, and scream your lungs out whenever you want milk, are blooming beautifully. It is pure joy to just stare at your beautiful and delicate face and smell you everyday. Your smell is the best smell in the world. No perfume can beat your smell.
You and Josiah are my world, my pride and my joy. Honestly, having the both of you is enough. I do not foresee having a third. Both of you will always have my love, and know that I have your best interests. I love you both so much!