Mother's Day 2013

Yesterday (12/05/2013) was Mother's Day. It is a day that I want to always remember and that is why I want to write it down lest I forget. I don't usually blog about negative, depressing or things that upset me. But this is an exception. Notice the word "Happy" is dropped from the title.
To start off, there was no celebration because I am still under confinement. Neither were there any surprises, flowers or even a card. But that's Okay because I have learnt not to expect anything. When you expect things and don't get them you, the only person who gets disappointed and crushed is yourself. So yes, I have realised that a long time ago.
I am told that when one is under confinement, one must not cry. Every tear drop is likened to a drop of blood. It is said that if you cry during confinement, you will become blind (Version 1) or you will have poor eyesight in the future (Version 2). Either one is bad news. But cried I did. A whole  bucket load of tears. I cried for 3 hours. I cried and cried and cried until I might as well have used up my entire life's quota of tears until I had no more. But I was wrong I later found out because I cried again today.
The million dollar question is why I cried so much. I attribute it to a number of things but mainly its a build up of pent up emotions of sorts. I know that a tiny new baby brings so much joy. But it also comes with it a slew of not so joyful moments ie. exhaustion from round the clock attention that the baby demands: breast feeding, pumping, changing of diapers when baby poos - up to 10 times of poo a day, washing bottles, preparing milk, rocking baby to sleep when she is cranky and the list goes on. Only a mother who fully breastfeeds will understand. All this has made me sleep deprived. How I long for a straight 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep to rest my tired soul and body. I suppose I could take the easy way out and leave everything to the confinement lady and let her feed formula milk but I refuse to do this to my child. No matter how difficult it is I am bent on breastfeeding my children  because it is the best for them. And my hard work has paid off because I have enough breastmilk to sustain Sophie.
Because of the exhaustion and sleep deprivation, I have become depressed (using this term loosely). What I really need is for hubby to empathise with me and show some appreciation. A simple "I may not understand completely what you are going through but I know it hasn't been easy. I want you to know I appreciate all that you are doing and Thank You for doing what you do!!" would have made me feel appreciated. Instead he does not spend time with me or Sophie choosing instead to watch TV and checking whatsapp all the time because he is part of various chat groups. He also promised to take care of Josiah but it has not relieved me of my duties, worries and stress. I have to wake them up in the mornings. He doesn't even clean him. School starts at 8.30am but they don't leave the house till 9am. Bedtime is 10pm but J ends up sleeping almost 11pm. This is irresponsible and really annoys me. If I had a crystal ball to foresee this I would not agree to have a second child. Again reminder to self - DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. It is pointless to have many children when your one and only husband is not supportive of you emotionally and physically. I say emotional and physical because hubby is not stingy financially. In fact he is quite generous and has never refused to give me money for the household and for our children. The downside to this is that he thinks money is the solution to most problems. A typical example is get a maid to do household chores which he thinks is beneath him. Few years back when we were living in the apartment, I asked him to help out with the household chores. We had a big fight. He suggested to get a maid. It was only the two of us back then mind you. He is the epitome of chauvinism. In fact child raising is entirely the responsibility of the mother. Now where would the both of you be if your father was not part of the equation?
I blame no one. It is the path that I have chosen and therefore I have to face the consequences and live with it. Perhaps I have been betrayed by my own youth and naievity. Yes it must be so. Barely 29 and I already have 2 children, many of my friends are still discovering themselves and all that the world has to offer. But I love my 2 children; whom I am so proud of and for which I thank God everyday.